Let me tell you I have been a Christian my whole life. I prayed the sinner’s prayer with my dad when I was 5 years old and I’ve always been completely sold out to it. When I was about 13 I think is when I really said yes, this is what I myself believe and this is how I will live my whole life.
I struggled for 9 years with this. I fell in love or what I thought was love with my best friend when I was 15. Nothing came of that and then I fell in love with a guy from age 17-19 and we were dating then. I was destroyed when we broke up and when I was 20 I started dating a girl that ruined my life. I walked away from God because I didn’t think I could have both. It tore me apart inside. After college when I was 21 I got Christian counseling specifically for that and it honestly helped and I felt like I could date guys and I did for 2 years. But I never fell in love with these great Christian guys…like really awesome ones. And I would get turned on when making out or whatever, but I didn’t want to have sex with a guy. I had been saving myself for marriage until I dated a girl anyways so I’ve never slept with a guy.
Then I met a girl who blew me away and spent an entire summer tugging her back and forth with my emotions as I tried to decide once and for all between being with girls or having a relationship with God. She shipped to basic training in september and right before that is when I realized that I was going to end up with a woman. Unfortunately I got my heart broken by that one because I had strung her along too much and she moved on.
But I had finally realized it. I love God. And I’m still going to end up with a woman because that’s what makes me feel right and ok and happy and whole and not broken. I know what the bible says. I know the arguments people make about it not being in the new testament are loads of shit. I know it’s in the old and new testament. I don’t have an argument. I don’t want to argue. I love God and I have a relationship with Him. And He loves me. He hasn’t cursed me, condemned me or anything. Now that I’ve broken through this barrier of not giving a shit what EVERY CHRISTIAN thinks of me and being judged and being a “good Christian” I’m ok. I don’t feel guilty. I just feel shitty sometimes when people try to make me feel bad. When they call my wife my friend or my “wife.” When they tell me they love me even though they “don’t agree” with my life choices. That’s when I feel shitty. And it’s hard. Especially with my wife away. Cuz honestly when things like that happen I just need a hug.
But it’s ok. Because God loves me. My wife loves me. And I love me and accept myself. I’m not perfect, but I do not see me being gay as one of my imperfections. This is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in and that includes my parents, my brother, my boyfriends, my girlfriends, my friends…everyone. She is looking out for me and she understands me and she puts me first. And I do the same for her.
It’s hard. You can’t explain it away. But as soon as you accept yourself and say screw everyone else the guilt goes away and you can just breath and live and love God too. Don’t try and argue with people. Don’t try to figure it out. Because most the people that try to explain the bible away are full of shit and twist the whole bible anyways. The best thing I can tell you is maybe we misinterpreted. Maybe we made small changes to what God was trying to say when He whispered His word into the hearts of the men who wrote the bible. I don’t know. But I’m happier than I’ve ever been and I don’t feel torn in half.
I’m not going to tell you what to do. But do what doesn’t make you hate yourself. Accept yourself and be happy with the decisions you ultimately make. It’s your life and you’re the only one living it.
Inspired by one of my followers.